Never Look Back
by The Mushroom Fairy
Summary: Yuna went a little easy on Isaaru and Cid when she found them in Zanarkand, don't you think? See her here with backbone!


Zanarkand was a holy place; everyone knew that. But not everyone respected it, as I would soon come to discover.

I couldn't sleep the night before we arrived. I didn't toss and turn, yet I felt restless. My body was tired, but my mind wouldn't quiet. All I could think of was you.

Many times I had imagined returning to that holy ground. Not once did I curse the place, despite what my visit there had meant. If I had known then that I would lose you, would I have gone on? I really can't say. But Lulu is right; there's no point in looking back, in thinking of what might have been.

In my mind I would see it.... never the same, but never quite different. I would get a glimpse of it as you described it to me, with buildings that reached for the skies and lights like a million blazing fireflies. You would be there, blitzball in hand, smiling for the crowd.... smiling for me. Other times it would be more peaceful and quiet, a Calm meant just for the two of us. Grass would cover the hillside and wildflowers would bloom. You would pick one for me and trail it softly from my forehead to my chin, letting the soft petals caress over my nose and lips, your eyes on my mouth. And then you would....

But Lulu is right. I should never look back.

Eventually I did sleep, I suppose, for in the morning I awoke to Rikku pawing at me, crooning excitedly.

"Wake up, Yunie!" she cried. "We're going back to Zanarkand!"

"Back to... to Zanarkand?"

I must have been dreaming of you again, as I do so frequently. I felt confused and disoriented. Then, quite suddenly, a feeling of dread washed over me, drowning me with its intensity. And suddenly, I didn't want to go to Zanarkand.

"Don't you want to go back to Zanarkand?" Rikku was asking me. "Paine's already waiting for us, Yunie, so let's hurry!" With that she scampered away from me, the blonde of her ponytail bobbing as she raced down the stairs.

"Yes," I murmured softly to myself. "I do. I _do_ want to go back to Zanarkand!" And I knew at once that I did. The unease of the moment before was gone in an instant as the excitement grew within me, and my thoughts returned to you.

Didn't we promise that we'd always be together? Or was it just a dream? Sometimes it's hard to tell anymore what is real and what my mind makes up for me. Were you ever really here? But then, if you weren't, how could I so easily recall the sound of your laughter, the call of your whistle on the wind? How could your smile come to mind as quickly as those of friends I am able to see every day? You must have been with me. But where are you now? I promise I'll find you.

I promise.

I didn't think for an instant that I might find you in Zanarkand, not really. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, and I see you next to me or hear you close by. But if I blink or listen to other sounds around me, you are gone, and I know that I am just dreaming again.

I didn't really know what would happen when we returned to Zanarkand. Two years ago we cast off our beliefs there. Our false hope. But I wasn't sure whether I would see the city lights or the green of fields, or if everything would remain the same as it had been, and the nightmare would end up being reality--that Zanarkand is in ruins, and you are gone.

At last Buddy closed in on the area and once again we set foot on holy ground. But what I didn't expect to find was what was really happening in the once-sacred land: Zanarkand had been turned into a crowded tourist attraction. Someone had made a theme park of our Zanarkand! A mockery of my sacred pilgrimage! Committed sacrilege to my precious memories of you!

I wouldn't stand for it. The rage began to build within me as my eyes searched the throng for someone to blame. At last my gaze narrowed on the figure of Isaaru, once my rival to undertake that very pilgrimage. What in Spira could he be doing here?

I approached the one-time summoner, questions burning my mind. "Isaaru!"

"Yuna," he gasped in surprise, looking me over. "You've changed so much I hardly recognize you. Well, it's been two years, after all."

"Why are you here?" I demanded straight away.

He ignored my rudeness, seeming pleased that I had asked. "I guide people through Zanarkand, once the most sacred of places."

I furrowed my brow angrily. "What do you mean, _'once'_?"

He looked at me curiously. "I can see this is upsetting you.... But this is a place of great historical importance, for all of Spira."

"I know, but still--!" My fury drained as I thought again of you, and the fire in my eyes was extinguished by the tears that filled them, as my voice softened against my will. "I.... never wanted anyone else to stand there."

He gave me a puzzled look. "...Yuna...?"

_Are you blind?_ I wanted to shriek at him. How could he not see? Of all people, I would have thought people like Isaaru, people who had accepted their fates and prepared all their lives to die in this city as sacrifice to a false god, would have understood! Had he forgotten so easily? So quickly? Had discovering his life up to now had been for nothing not affected him at all?

I turned away in fury, but also to hide the warm tears streaming down my cheeks. I wouldn't fall apart, not in front of any of them! I saved my tears for you, because I know you are always with me to comfort me. I am never alone.

I caught up with Rikku and Paine, who were heading to the inner sanctuary to speak with Cid, who, if the rumor was true, was the cause of all this blasphemy. I was none too pleased with my uncle, and determined to let him know.

"Well, I'll be! If it isn't Yuna!" Cid chuckled gleefully as I approached. He stepped from behind the counter of a prize booth, the shadows cast by the carnival lights on his face giving him the appearance of a fiend, and a fiend he may well have been for the way I felt about him at that moment. "Come to join in the festivities? Gya-ha! I know it ain't much yet, but we're gonna put some rides in next season," he chattered conversationally. "Want to buy some souvenirs from your old uncle? Haha!"

"Not on your life!" Rikku shouted at him, her voice rising.

"Wha...?"

"You're turning this place into a gift shop?" I asked, my voice trembling with the shock of such an idea.

"What's wrong with that?" Cid asked with a shrug.

"Hello!" Rikku yelled, jumping for emphasis and stomping her feet on the cold stone floor.

"What, you got a bone to pick?"

"I most certainly do!" I cried, stepping toward my uncle, almost shaking with the fury of my wrath.

"So? What's eatin' ya?"

"What do you think?!" I shouted, clenching my fists. "You have no right to do this. Zanarkand is a holy city, it has been for a thousand years, and it that's the way it should stay!"

"It's still a holy city," Cid remarked, unaffected. "Only now it's bringing in a profit."

"For generations people have come here to _die!_" I screamed. "I came here to-- You have no right to benefit from those lost souls! How would you like it if all the greedy and immoral vermin of Spira danced on _your_ grave? How would you feel if the pieces left from the old Al Bhed city were taken from the desert and brought to Besaid to be converted into a circus?"

Cid stroked his chin, his face falling as I spoke. "Huh... I see your point." He shook his head. "But the rest of Spira is moving on, Yuna. Why can't you?"

"Because... because--" I couldn't go on. I couldn't blame you for the way I was feeling. I clenched my teeth to keep from crying, forcing my voice to be as gruff as his. "Get rid of it," I hissed.

"Eh?"

"I said, get rid of it!" I screamed. "All of it!" I turned and swiped my arm along the counter of the booth he'd set up, sending an array of small toys and trinkets crashing to the floor. Blood pumped hard through my veins, and I let the anger take over my senses, my head pounding with dark thoughts of destroying it all. "Get this shit out of here! Get these people out of here!" I drew my gun and began firing at the booth, causing a half-dozen baby dolls to begin crying for their mamas and several jack-in-the-boxes to come popping out of their containers. Then I turned on my uncle. "You get rid of it all. Or _I_ will."

I turned on my heel and stormed toward what once had been the sacred Chamber of the Fayth, but I didn't miss overhearing my friends' comments.

"Wowee! Yunie's pissed, pop!" Rikku exclaimed in awe.

"Do you blame her?" Paine asked flatly.

A split second later I heard her footsteps behind me, but I didn't turn around to look. I didn't need to. Soon we were all three walking together on the platform where we had faced Yunalesca and put an end to her reign of lies. But I didn't allow myself to think any more about that.

"Yuna," Paine said softly. I felt her hand on my shoulder, an unusual display of compassion.

I turned away, pulling out of reach. I didn't want her pity. I wanted her to be as furious as I was, to help me tear this carnival apart and kick everyone out of my--out of Zanarkand. But deep down I knew I couldn't expect that of her. It wasn't her fight, but mine. She hadn't been there. She didn't know. She couldn't possibly understand what I was feeling... could she?

"Excuse me," a voice called behind us. Startled, I spun quickly back toward the steps we had all just ascended. It was Isaaru whose voice had spoken.

"What do you want?" Rikku cried indignantly. "Can't you see we're in the middle of a serious discussion? Get lost, loser. This is girl talk!"

"If you're not here to see the attraction, then I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave," Isaaru said calmly.

"Attraction?" Paine asked, crossing her arms over her chest and raising an eyebrow at the man.

Isaaru cleared his throat, suddenly breaking out into a performance. "You have done well to make it this far, sphere hunters, but..." he said, his tone telling me that he was reciting something that he had said many times before. "You will not have the treasure you seek so easily!"

"Then we fight!" Paine growled, immediately drawing her sword, her gaze locked on Isaaru like it had many a target who had fallen hard for standing in her way.

For a moment the ex-summoner actually looked frightened. He struggled to keep up the game, trying to ignore Paine's grave threat. "If you want the treasure, you must speak the password!"

Paine faltered. "...Password?"

"What is this?" I demanded, growing impatient. "What are you doing?" I wasn't about to play his stupid game. Or Cid's, or whoever had thought it up.

Isaaru's shoulders sagged with disappointment. "...My job," he replied weakly. "I bring excitement to those who've come to see this sacred place."

"Why should a graveyard be exciting?" I challenged. "Why is everyone here having such a good time?! Why are they even here?!?!"

The man looked at me incredulously. "Don't you see? It's a piece of history, something everyone on Spira should be able to share."

"No, it's not," I said evenly. "Zanarkand is still a holy place, no matter what you or anybody else tries to tell me. And not just anyone has the right to be here." I cared nothing for the selfishness in my words, but continued without letting him interrupt me, allowing my real emotions to shine through. "You don't belong here any more than they do. You did not successfully complete your pilgrimage. It is I alone who have the right to stand in this sanctuary, to meditate on my memories and to reflect on the meaning of my life. I won't let you take that away from me. If you do, then what was it all for? Why did so many people have to die? Why did summoners have to hurt so much? Why did I sacrifice myself for all of you? You have your liberation, your free world. But what do I get? Where's the gratitude for what I did for all of you?" I paused briefly, but he had nothing with which to counter my words. "Go away," I spat. "Go, and leave me this one small token, this one compensation for saving all your lives and giving you something to live for."


End file.
